I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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