She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need water and some morals
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
