Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
