New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
