her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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