The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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