no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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