I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
even my farts smell like vagina
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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