Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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