my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
