If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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