hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
