apparently the secret to your success is patron
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
