I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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