Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
