If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
