the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I party with great urgency now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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