I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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