I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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