Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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