You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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