He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
