Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
