I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
