OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
