just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
