Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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