i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
