took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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