I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
