you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
