I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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