She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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