good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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