How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
