roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
