I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
