this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
