I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
