he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
