I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
