Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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