I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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