Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
