I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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