for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
