Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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