His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
