so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
