I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
